1. Aries: You are very lucky this month. If you spend at least 75% of your salary on lottery tickets, you could move south soon. Buy a house now, real estate prices are very low at the moment, e.g. in Nigeria*.
2. Ram: A leading member of Boko Haram** might have feelings for you. Ask some of them out to find Mr. Haram. Don’t dress up too much.
4. Taurus: Make so extra cash with a funky business idea! You could come up with rainbow coloured Jewish badges, Palin supports
McCain Cruz Trump Shkreli shirts or wait until he finally destroys the Wu Tang album and sell a bootleg mix of old Wu Tang parts. Nobody will ever know.
Footnotes for our Americans readers:
* A province in the country of Africa
** average Muslim
*** Old English spelling