Four Signs Your Date Is Going Wrong

1. Your date cleans both her/his nostrils with a key.

2. To every question you ask, s/he replies “Let me ask my ex! S/he knows best!”

3. S/he claims that Charles Manson has inspired him/her to kill his/her guinea pig with a staple gun.

4. S/he starts to laugh at you when you say that you have attended university.

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Four Signs Your Date Is Going Wrong

Four Tips For A Successful Date

1. Order a big bottle of the most expensive wine. Use phrases like “The grape literally dances on the tongue” and “The finish has a slight truffle savor”. Say “rosé” instead of “pink”.

2. Avoid the following topics: necrophilia, trap, your best friend’s flatulence, Sailor Moon, Windows 10. Talk about your ex instead.

3. Open every sentence with “As Sartre once said”. If they ask “Huh?”, say “the midget from Big Bang Theory”.

4. After the date, wait at least 34.5 hours before texting them. If they ask you out again, say you’re busy (write “squash” instead of “masturbating and crying”).

Four Tips For A Successful Date