Four Things To Say To Your Ex-Partner’s New Girlfriend

1. “Hi, you must be Tinder!”

2. “One advice: before you give him money for that ‘gecko farm project’, do some research. Geckos do not actually eat that much Viagra!”

3. “So, did he already ask you to try that Viet Cong girl thing? It’s…erm…interesting. But be careful, I ruined all my plants with that Agent Orange stuff!”

4. “Haha, you’re the [weekday] girl, right? I used to be Saturday until Saturday became ‘family day’…”

Four Things To Say To Your Ex-Partner’s New Girlfriend

Four Details To Confuse Your Significant Other

1. Write the I in “I love you” in capital letters only.

2. Put on loads of perfume/aftershave before going out with your (same-gender) lads/ladies. Take and send a picture every four minutes showing you with the lads/ladies only.

3. Insist that you both haven’t seen her/his parents for a while and point out for every thing you see that her/his parents might like that.

4. Say “You are SO BEAUTIFUL!” when they wake up with hangover feeling like a dead reptile.

Four Details To Confuse Your Significant Other

Four Accusations For Partners Who Want To Break Up

1. “You always leave the washroom in a perfect condition, like you licked it clean, can you at least leave some soap water sprays on the mirror or NOT adjust the towel in a right angle.”

2. “Can you please NOT bring different flowers every time (excluding all the ones I don’t like) just before the other ones start to look sad!?”

3. “Can you please NOT wake me up with a mug of warm coffee (two sugar, as I like it) but just yell “BRECKFESST” from the kitchen?”

4. “Can you please NOT run after me to the train station whenever I am leaving my phone on the kitchen table?”

Four Accusations For Partners Who Want To Break Up

Four Cases Of Reverse Engineering

1. disassemble the computer to 0 and 1 (use screwdriver)

2. disassemble the family into grandmother, unknown male and lies (use old diary in the attic)

3. disassemble the sweater you are wearing into cloth, chemicals and child labor (pull the thread on your left sleeve)

4. re-assemble a broken heart into a complete one (use glue, painkillers and “peppa pig full episode playlist hungarian”)

Four Cases Of Reverse Engineering

Four Ways To Say “I Love You”

1. Hire an airplane, let it fly across the harbor with a banner saying “Do you want to fly away with me, Roberto?”

2. Hire a bakery, arrange the cakes and sweets to form “You’re sweeter than any cake, Esmeralda!”, kick her out of bed on Sunday morning to get breakfast.

3. Hire a monkey wearing lipsticks, a wedding dress and an ukulele playing “I would do anything for love (but I won’t do that!)” and finishing with “I’m a fool for you, Harald!”

4. Hire a dove to bring her a bag of potatoes with a greeting card saying “You might have no taste, you might not be beautiful but you are persistent and nutritious and I can store you in a dark, dry and cool place for ages, Laetitia!” (not my joke)

Four Ways To Say “I Love You”

Four Valentine’s Day Activities

1. For lovers: go out, have a nice meal, walk along the “romantic street”, buy flowers (“No, we don’t have single flowers. We have these nice bouquets. That one is 200 dollars. This one is 300 dollars. No, those are not single flowers, you see, they come in a bunch. Sorry, single flowers are out.”), have the stinginess discussion again, walk home.

2. For singles (confused): sit at home, watch some funny stuff, drink a glass, watch some weird stuff, drink a glass, watch some old footage of him/her, drink a glass, cry, read some old text messages, drink a glass, text him/her, drink a glass, receive no answer, drink a glass, call him/her (“You’re drunk. No, it’s me. No, you got the right number, I changed it. Because I KNEW you’d call him/her. No, I won’t. Because s/he cheated on you. No, it’s not because you’re boring. It’s because s/he is a ****. Yes, I know. Yes, I love you, too. Hey, why don’t you just go to bed? No, I can’t, sorry. I’m with some…yes, we’re just having dessert. Yes. Yes. Sorry, no. Yes, I’ll call you, right? Just go to sleep, ok? It’s ok, that you’re crying, it’s just that you’re drunk. No, don’t apologize, please. OK, just go to bed, yes, I love you, too.” )

3. For singles (positive): meet him/her at the restaurant, go inside, notice that they have a special Valentine’s Day “offer”, have a starter and a pink rosé, find out that s/he likes Jason Statham, have a soup, find out that s/he listens to David Guetta AS WELL AS Nickelbag AS WELL AS Wiz Khalifa, find out that s/he does not know Thom Yorke OR Radiohead and thinks that “Oh, that guy” has “a funny eye”, have the main dish, find out that s/he spends most of his/her leisure time at the gym, receive a message, have the dessert, ignore the message, receive a call, ignore it, find out that s/he cannot understand why homeless people don’t just go to a shelter and s/he homeless was for some time as well, because their ex kicked him/her out, receive another call, take the call, hang up (“What? No, that was not my ex, just some friend. Oh, already? Yes, sure, I think we could catch that one. Let me pay. No, seriously, it’s ok. You can pay next time. So, in case we… Anyway. GARÇON?”), walk him/her to the station.

4. For singles (negative): spray vinegar into all flower bouquets.

Four Valentine’s Day Activities