Four Things To Say To Your Ex-Partner’s New Girlfriend

1. “Hi, you must be Tinder!”

2. “One advice: before you give him money for that ‘gecko farm project’, do some research. Geckos do not actually eat that much Viagra!”

3. “So, did he already ask you to try that Viet Cong girl thing? It’s…erm…interesting. But be careful, I ruined all my plants with that Agent Orange stuff!”

4. “Haha, you’re the [weekday] girl, right? I used to be Saturday until Saturday became ‘family day’…”

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Four Things To Say To Your Ex-Partner’s New Girlfriend

Four Tips For A Successful Date

1. Order a big bottle of the most expensive wine. Use phrases like “The grape literally dances on the tongue” and “The finish has a slight truffle savor”. Say “rosé” instead of “pink”.

2. Avoid the following topics: necrophilia, trap, your best friend’s flatulence, Sailor Moon, Windows 10. Talk about your ex instead.

3. Open every sentence with “As Sartre once said”. If they ask “Huh?”, say “the midget from Big Bang Theory”.

4. After the date, wait at least 34.5 hours before texting them. If they ask you out again, say you’re busy (write “squash” instead of “masturbating and crying”).

Four Tips For A Successful Date